Excerpt from "On My Own Now" by Donna Lee Schillinger

It’s a Biological Thang

For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life, keeping you from the immoral man, from the smooth tongue of the wayward man. Do not lust in your heart after his good looks or let him captivate you with his eyes, for the gigolo reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulterer preys upon your very life. Can a person scoop fire into her lap and not get burned? Can a person walk on hot coals without her feet being scorched?

Proverbs 6:23-28

Women love dangerous men. Though not quite a fact of life, it’s at least a general tendency. I believe there are women who have made only wise dating and marriage choices, but I think most young women at some point have been attracted to Mr. G. Q. Wrong. Sure, he’s so fly and looks so fresh in his Abercrombie, but he’s a player! And while we should be repulsed by the fact that he has a different woman as the seasons change, we secretly wish we could be one of them.

If we have a healthy self-respect, we may not fall into the player’s trap. Our desire to live according to God’s law and have a healthy relationship may enable us to understand that what we’re looking for cannot be had with Mr. Wrong. However, if our souls are needy or our self-esteem weak, such a conquest may seem to be just what we need to feel better about ourselves. Being his girl will earn us respect. Being his girl will elevate us to a higher social level. And we may have a little bit of the co-dependent tendency to believe that we are the ones that can make the Mr. Wrongs of life change their gigolo ways and settle down.

I pray that we will listen to the words of this proverb and understand what so many women have found out through years of chasing the wrong type of men and the resulting heartache. Mr. G. Q. Wrong will reduce us to a piece of meat, or, as Solomon says, a loaf of bread. He will come along with a sweet, sultry song, lure us in, consume us and make a light snack of our self-esteem. Even if no one else ever finds out what happened between the two of us, the memory of how that man used us will torture us.

Maybe we think, “Two can play that game. I’ll use him before he uses me.” Okay. So now we’re no better than he is.

Maybe we think, “That won’t happen to me. I’ll just date him long enough to add the trophy to my shelf and I won’t let myself get attached to him.” Are we the first women to have thought we could play with fire and not get burned? Our proverb says, “Can a person walk on hot coals without her feet being scorched?” Those words are over 3,000 years old! This is not a game we can win.

A woman’s seemingly self-destructive attraction to the most cocky and best-looking man actually has a socio-biologically adaptive basis. Our physical bodies are unconsciously looking for the man who will produce the best offspring, though on a conscious level, we just think he looks hot. Recognizing that our strong attraction has a biological function may help us understand and overcome the tendency to be attracted to Mr. G. Q. Wrong. Just as with other biological tendencies we must overcome, such as that of natural defensiveness against people who look different than we do, we can rise above our sin nature by using the magnificent mind that God gave us and calling on His spirit to fill our conscious thought.

For our own good – for our heart’s sake – we must make decisions about who to date based on a more sensible criterion than the “hot scale.” Though we may think we have no control over who we find attractive, if we determine to do so, we will find we can cultivate an attraction to Mr. Right. The first step is to stop attending to Mr. G. Q. Wrong and look around for Mr. Right. He doesn’t call attention to himself like G. Q. does. He’s going about his business. He’s studying; he’s working; he may be on the same sports team as G. Q., but he is a team player and doesn’t strut when he scores – which is probably why we never noticed him before. His name is not in the rumor mill because, well, he may never have been with a girl before.

With Mr. Right awaits the love that our heart desires. And as the days, weeks, months and years go by, his face, which at first we may have thought ordinary, will become preciously handsome to us. Then we will have it all – a man with good looks and a great personality. Isn’t that what we’re really looking for?

Hold this thought: I won’t make my dating decisions based on looks.

Excerpted with permission from On My Own Now: Straight Talk from the Proverbs for Young Christian Women who Want to Remain Pure, Debt-free and Regret-free. ©2009 The Quilldriver. Visit www.OnMyOwnNow.com